Sex toys have helped me discover the beauty and pleasure of self-love

Sex toys have helped me discover the beauty and pleasure of self-love

As told to Nicole Audrey Spector

Growing up, sex wasn’t something that was openly discussed in our home. I learned all about it from movies and TV shows. Then there was the sex ed class, of course, which taught that unless a man and a woman were married and trying to reproduce, the sex was bad, bad, bad.

Despite the sex shame — or maybe even because of it — I started having sex as a young girl, at 15. My first time wasn’t exactly a bad experience, but it certainly wasn’t the stuff of raptures and explosions the media had led me to believe it would be.

A year later, at 16, I got my first sex toy. I remember it so well. The humiliation of it all. The fear of being caught for being curious about my body and my sexiness.

I slipped into the sex shop like a spy, dressed in sunglasses and a hoodie. I remember the exact toy I bought: a classic bunny, which I thought was the one every grown woman enjoyed playing with. My imagination was quite limited. After all, I was only 16.

I was afraid someone would hear me, so I hid in the attic to use the vibrator. With it, I quickly reached a full blown orgasm and was in awe of how wonderful it felt.

While I enjoyed my experience with the vibrator, there was something about pleasuring myself that made me feel scared, even guilty. I just wasn’t comfortable in my skin. I felt so embarrassed and like I was doing something I should be ashamed of. After all, what role did masturbation play in sex, which, as I’d learned in Sex Ed, was all about reproduction? All about being with someone else?

The idea of ​​personal intimacy made me cringe. I never let myself think for a long time. As the years have passed, my feelings of shame about my sexuality have deepened. In the bedroom, I was more of a people pleaser than a self pleaser. I didn’t know I deserved better. At that point I was barely using my old wobbly vibrator. I felt disconnected from it and as I started to look more closely at my life I realized that I felt disconnected from myself.

It wasn’t until my first truly healthy relationship with a man that I began to engage with my sexuality, really examining what would satisfy and honor her. My partner and I formed a safe and trusting space where I felt comfortable experimenting with new sex toys.

Once we started trying new things, it was like my world opened up and my inner goddess rushed out. I learned that there was a whole universe of objects designed to tease and awaken my erotic spirit. Now that I had a partner who helped me feel confident, I was able to truly blossom in my sexual being.

Though that partner and I have since separated, I have held on to the invaluable wisdom I attained with the help of his nurturing love and built on that wisdom. My life now revolves around it and all the beautiful awakenings it has made. I am now a self-love and manifestation coach dedicated to helping others realize the beauty and power in pleasure and self-collaboration.

Today, I use sex toys as part of my regular personal intimacy practice. I incorporate traditional vibrators and also experiment with a range of other tools such as yoni eggs and crystal wands. The vulva and vagina are such multifaceted parts of our anatomy and there are so many different ways to arouse and satisfy them.

I view self-pleasure as distinctly different from masturbation, which, in my view, is something you do to quickly release a buildup of tension. There’s no shame in that – or any of it – but it’s different from the art of self-pleasure, which I see more as a way of making love to yourself and paying homage to the glorious and sacred temple that is the human body .

When I’m having sex with myself (toys in tow, usually), I’m extremely slow and curious with my body. I caress my calves, hips and breasts. I take deep, cleansing breaths and enjoy every lavish moment of the explosive release.

I have also made a special effort to create an experience for myself that is special and intimate. I dim the lights and put on some sexy music. I light candles and put on my lingerie. I welcome my body with curiosity and admiration.

I take the time to make myself feel appreciated and revered, just as I would any partner I care about. Because the truth is that I I am with a partner – a partner whom I love very deeply and hold on the highest pedestal. That partner is me.

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